Cosmic Slop #115: I Don’t Hate Jaden Smith

By Shaun Ponsonby
Fri 04 August, 2017

Having spent years dismissing Jaden Smith as a joke, Shaun Ponsonby starts to reassess what the kid is really all about.

A few years ago, I spent an awful lot of time scouring Jaden Smith’s Twitter feed, finding nuggets of wisdom that I could laugh myself hysterically at.

This is partially because I have nobody to love me. It makes me feel better to judge others rather than work on my own faults. It also makes me feel far less lonely.

What would crease me was his seemingly total lack of self-awareness. It was a joy to behold. In a notorious interview with sister Willow a couple of years ago, he brilliantly exclaimed his deep thoughts about the world with intellectual nuggets like; “When we think of an apple, we also think about the opposite of an apple”.

Yes! We think about the opposite of an apple, which is…? No apples? A banana? Windows?

When you add this with tweets such at the ones below, it is easy to look at Smith as a rich kid who is out of touch with reality.

It does feel like he has been somewhat thrust into the spotlight. His dad is one of the most famous men on the planet, and he produced a number of big budget Hollywood vehicles for him – The Pursuit of Happyness [sic], a remake of The Karate Kid, and After Earth.

I’m not sure any of them will be remembered particularly fondly. Historians might actually separate Will Smith’s film career into pre- and post-After Earth eras. It didn’t just flop, it took a giant shit in every cinema it played. It went beyond stinking the place out.

Point is, Jaden probably didn’t have much of a choice in his career options. Of course he was going to get into show business, and of course every door was gonna be opened for him.

So, like everybody else, I assumed he was just a talentless rich douchebaguette who was pretty much the living embodiment of somebody living off his family name. Can’t say I blame him, because I’d do the same, and so would you. Admit it, you would. You so would. People complaining about nepotism are usually just jealous that their daddy isn’t rich and powerful. I know that’s why I do.

But then, a few months ago, I came across this.

That’s Jaden Smith going through random facts and acting blown away by them. It’s funny as hell, but I get the feeling that he knows it. The faces he pulls, the overwrought musical bed, the tone he’s speaking with, the gormless looks off camera. Even the facts he is reading out in his over-dramatic voice seem funny; “You were once the youngest person on Earth”. He is this close to saying “Our ancestors were monkeys” or “There are more nipples on the planet than people”.

So, if this is an act, it’s not unreasonable to assume some of his other public moments of hilarity are also an act. I’m starting to seriously wonder if Jaden Smith is actually one of the cleverest kids in showbiz.

A few weeks ago, Smith dropped a single called Watch Me and…I don’t hate it.

I mean, it’s not a masterpiece. Lyrically, having Will Smith’s son say he “ain’t got much in the bank” and rhyming “Elvis” with “pelvis” is about as original as an Elvis impersonator wearing an all-in-one jump suit (unless they  were an Elvis Costello impersonator wearing an all-in-one jump suit).

But, it’s far better than I was expecting. I’d take it over what the guys in Lil’ Wayne’s Young Money crew produce. Hell, even for people in his age group and the audience he’s aimed at, I’d take it over Bieber. Unlike that bleached scrotum, he at least appears to have a personality and his performance is far more charismatic.

Musically, it’s reminiscent of Kanye’s Black Skinhead, which already feels like something more interesting than I was expecting, and he looks like a bona fide pop star in the video. More than ever in the age of Ed Sheeran.

So…is he pretentious? Yes. Is he a great artist? No. Would he be where he is if it wasn’t for who is dad is? No.

Yet, call me crazy, but I’m starting to see some potential in Jaden Smith.

I hate myself. I mean, more than usual.


Beyonce is reportedly planning a “surprise tour“. Well, way to ruin the fucking surprise.

Jay-Z has claimed that “Chris Martin is a modern day Shakespeare“. I assume he means upper class, boring and kids are forced to listen to and read about him against their will.

Marti Pellow has left Wet Wet Wet. Literally about nine people’s lives have been ruined. RUINED.

Whilst looking for something to write about, I chanced upon the headline “Robert Pattinson refused to perform a sex act on a dog for his new movie“. I didn’t read it, I just wanted to share that with you.