Adding to the long list of end of year lists, Shaun Ponsonby looks at the 2015’s genius words of wisdom from the musical philosophers of our time.
Originally published on Getintothis
It is officially the time of year where every single music geek decides that the world and its shit-flinging monkey gives a damn what their favourite albums of 2015 were.
I loathe these lists. They always reek of sanctimonious posturing. The same way awards shows exist primarily for networking, these lists exist primarily to stroke the collective self-congratulatory egos of the people who put them together in an attempt to underline their own importance as if anyone gives a shit what your favourite album is, let alone read you wax indulgently about the subtleties within them, not to mention the inevitably pretentious waffle at the beginning that attempts to find deeper meaning. Incidentally, you can check ours out here.
Naturally, I thought Cosmic Slop should probably throw some shite together too. Not something I’m going to spend any significant period of time on, just something that looks vaguely list-like and counting down from a nice, round number to satisfy the apparent need of the internet to have everything nice and orderly.
In the spirit of that, I decided to celebrate the year in idiocy, as it is our bread and butter. So, here are Cosmic Slop’s ten dumbest musical quotes of 2015. Try not to gouge your eyes out with boredom.
- Catfish & The Bottlemen’s Van McCann on Ewan McGregor’s attendance at one of their shows; “We put him down on the guest list as ‘Obi +1 Kenobi’.”
Some publications apparently thought this was hilarious, as they put it down as one of the great quoted zingers of the year, which is really my issue with it. I don’t blame McCann for that, but it’s a dad joke at best. Which is fine as an off the cuff remark. I’m full of dad jokes, so I can’t complain.
But putting it down as one of the great witticisms of our age is stretching it like Mission to Moscow was stretching the Police Academy series. I’m not even sure it fully works. I get that it’s just a pun, but one that a Red Top would likely discard of. It’s awkward and stilted. Are there even more Kenobi‘s?
- Morrissey on the bad reaction to his novel; “The criticisms are an attack against me as a human being”
Despite having been in the music industry for three decades, Morrissey is still apparently unsure what a review is. This was how he labelled the criticisms of List of the Lost – the first novel that the notoriously happy-go-lucky Manc has published. Just to be abundantly clear, Morrissey is to literature what Jim Morrison was to poetry, and Jim Morrison was to poetry what Ed Gein was to upholstery.
Morrissey ended up winning the anti-coveted Bad Sex Award for this titillating passage;
“At this, Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.”
Oooh, yeah! Get your “otherwise central zone” out for the lads.
Is it getting warm in here or is it just me?
- Justin Bieber; “I’m not going to say I’m sorry for the things that I’ve done.”
He then released the single Sorry.
- Pharrell Williams on Live Earth; “You would have pundits and comedians who didn’t understand global warming and we were often ridiculed.”
Back in January, Pharrell joined Al Gore to launch a new edition of Live Earth, seeing as the last one didn’t quite wipe out climate change the way they hoped. Possibly because the event was staged at huge carbon cost.
During the announcement, Pharrell called out the skeptical “pundits and comedians” who had a go last time because they didn’t understand climate change. Right on, sister! Stupid pundits…and comedians…and Dr John Barrett from the Stockholm Environment Institute…and John Buckley of Carbonfootprint.com…and Dr Andrea Collins, sustainability expert from Cardiff University. You may all have denounced the event and be experts in your field, but that doesn’t mean you understand climate change in the deep, meaningful way that Pharrell does, you anti-scientific bum heads.
For the record, the event was planned as a worldwide one leading up to a summit in Paris. It was then cancelled and replaced by a single event in Paris. The single event in Paris took place – and I’m not kidding here – on Friday November 13. Needless to say, it was abandoned halfway through. Not that anyone knew it was happening anyway.
- Madonna; “I’m Funny”
- Azealia Banks; “I sort of agree with Trump’s stance on immigration“
Banks has a history of being a total dingbat – a homophobic one at that. It’s hard to find artists who would openly admit to agreeing with Donald Trump. The US presidential hopeful has continually gone on hugely bizarre, multi-faceted rants about immigration. If we’re trying to make Trump look good, the nicest thing we can say about him is that he is a xenophobic blurt.
Trump’s view on immigration is the definitely well thought out and considered view that they should build a wall between the US and Mexico to keep out the Mexicans that Mexico will have to pay for it. You know, because that worked so well in Berlin.
The worst part about all of this is that David Hasselhoff will undoubtedly insist on performing at the site of this hypothetical wall when the day comes to knock it down. Which means that Azealia Banks also wants The Hoff to continue with his musical career. She’s just going out of her way to be divisive now.
- Snoop Dogg is a Game of Thrones fan; “I watch it for historic reasons, to try to understand what this world was based on before I got here. I like to know how we go from there, to here, and the similarities between then and now.“
Perhaps unsurprisingly, everyone’s favourite rapping dog and/or lion – except maybe the rapping dog in Titanic: The Animated Musical (yes, that’s a thing) – has decided that historical accuracy can just about fuck off. If you really want to know about history, don’t read history books, don’t watch the Discovery Channel, don’t go to lectures or museums. There isn’t anywhere near enough T&A in them. No, watch epic fantasy series Game of Thrones. If you’re lucky you’ll be able to learn about fake history, engage in some great storytelling, enjoy all the action and have a quick wank in the space of an hour.
Well, why stop there? Throw Willow on to teach the kids some history too. And Star Wars might be good for getting to grips with physics.
I hate to point out the obvious, but it’s called a “fantasy” for a reason.
- Kanye West: “And yes, as you probably could have guessed from this moment, I have decided in 2020 to run for president.”
“As you probably could have guessed” isn’t the way I would have described it. I don’t think anyone could have guessed this announcement.
The problem with Kanye running for president is that people believe that politicians are living in their own bubble, totally removed from the realities of everyday people. I’m not sure Kanye West is the person to buck that trend.
Plus, the left (as I’m assuming he would reside) tend not to have the kooky Palin and Trump candidates that he would be inevitably compared to. Some of the shit that comes out of his mouth now is ridiculous. Imagine that ramped up to a billion on the election trail.
Also, can you picture Kim Kardashian as the First Lady?
- Noel Gallagher on Kanye’s Glastonbury performance: “For 30 minutes, I thought, ‘Wow, this is fucking truly amazing.’ And then, like most hip-hop gigs, after 45 minutes you’re going, ‘I want something else now!‘”
I have included this not because Gallagher sounds like an old man who hasn’t listened to any new music since The Smiths…and actually, judging by his own material and his Desert Island Discs appearance, I wouldn’t rule that out entirely.
As true as that is, it is here because I have seen Gallagher play a solo set myself, and it was undoubtedly one of the most mind numbingly dull performances I have ever seen anyone play. I asked someone to knee me in the groin during one number (whatever the fuck it was) just so that I could feel something. Anything. For all Kanye’s faults – and there are many – he at least is never truly boring, as he could literally do or say anything at any given time (as the quote above proves). Noel Gallagher live? That was tremendously fucking boring. So I include him for a total lack of self-awareness.
In fact, Noel has almost become a sort of Katie Hopkins for musical quotes. Nearly every time he opens his mouth, bullshit comes out, except when it gets widely reported it’s treated by idiots as the word of some horribly laddish, 90’s God. The only difference is that whereas people go to see Katie Hopkins to perform a Naboo-inspired turning of the back on her, people pay high prices to go see Noel be fucking boring and cheer him on in his boringness.
- Getintothis Editor Peter Guy: “Shaun, you should write a column.”
This one speaks for itself. Think of all the pain GIT could have saved you if Cosmic Slop didn’t exist.
And there you have it! 2015 in bullshit. Join us in twelve months when we’ll look at 2013 in bullshit, just to throw you off. If you think there’s some 2015 silliness that should have been included, feel free to throw it in the comments (but don’t expect me to read them).
Otherwise, have a palatable Christmas and a thoroughly mediocre New Year.