Returning like Twin Peaks on a different network, Shaun Ponsonby finds the all-new Cosmic Slop closer to Alien: Covenant.
We’re living in a world of reboots.
The last few weeks alone have given us Alien: Covenant, Baywatch, Wonder Woman and a new series of Twin Peaks. I haven’t seen the latter yet, in fact I went as far as to put a notice out on Facebook telling people to make my timeline a spoiler-free zone.
That extends you reading this right now. Like Nigel Tufnell not allowing Marty Di Bergi to even look at his guitar in This Is Spinal Tap, if you even look at your computer, tablet or phone whilst reading this article, and inadvertently reveal any of the plot points to the new series of Twin Peaks under your breath, then I will rip out your large intestine and force you to watch as I use it as a skipping rope. I apologise for the violent imagery, but I felt it necessary to highlight the covfefe.
I’m a bit apprehensive about the new Twin Peaks, though. Not because it has been so long, or because I’m worried it won’t live up to expectations. I’m worried because Jim Belushi is in it. Has he ever been good in anything? It’s hard to think of any memorable film he has ever done.
I’m actually asking you. The film K-9, where he played a cop with a mischievous dog? I preferred it when it was called Turner and Hooch and starred Tom Hanks – and it wasn’t even that good then. Wasn’t he in About Last Night? All I remember from that film was numerous gratuitous shots of Rob Lowe that confirmed what I always suspected about myself.
Have you seen Belushi’s sitcom, According To Jim? It has to be one of the worst ever. I heard somewhere that sales of television sets in America were the highest in recorded history the day after its cancellation. Why did it exist? How did it last eight punishingly laugh free seasons? Who commissioned it in the first place? All these questions are as unanswerable as why David Lynch cast him in Twin Peaks; surely he’s more like one of Tarantino’s more ironic casting decisions? Would he even have a career if his sibling wasn’t one of The Blues Brothers? No. No, he fucking wouldn’t. You know why? Cos he’s fucking shit, that’s why.
Basically, what I’m saying is; I don’t like Jim Belushi.
Alien is an altogether less tricky prospect, especially after Alien Vs Predator robbed any last shred of dignity that could have burst out of the franchise’s chest. I did see Alien: Covenant. I kind of liked it at first, but the more I think about it, the worse it is. At one point, there were two Michael Fassbenders playing a recorder, and one says to the other “I’ll do the fingering”. I did an actual LOL in the cinema and couldn’t take anything seriously in the immediate aftermath. In the pantheon of great movie lines, it is hardly “Get away from her, you bitch”, is it?
It is set 100 years into the future, and yet popular culture references to John Denver and Andrew Lloyd-Webber popped up here and there. Seriously – how likely is it that there will be massive John Denver fans in century? How many massive John Denver fans are there now?
The reason it is so disappointing is that I love the Alien franchise. The first two movies are more or less masterpieces, and witnessing its slow decline is difficult to say the least. I really want to like the film. I was making excuses for it, I was explaining things away, I was comparing it favourably to the Star Wars prequels. But sometimes you just gotta cut your losses – it isn’t very good.
All of these things came to pass during Cosmic Slop’s extended, two month break. Like Twin Peaks, we were effectively cancelled and moved to another network, which makes this the Cosmic Slop reboot, and that puts us in an interesting position.
I thought “You have a choice. You can be like David Lynch and create something bold and new, or you can be like Ridley Scott and just hammer out the same old shit, even if it is riddled with plot holes, makes little logical sense and has terrible dialogue.”
Of course, I went with the latter. Plot holes? Makes little logical sense? Terrible dialogue? That’s Cosmic Slop all over, including the added homoerotic subtext between the two Fassbenders.
This new, rebooted Cosmic Slop has all the hallmarks of a reboot of a classic. Except Cosmic Slop is shit and was never a classic to begin with. Which kinda frees us up because we don’t have the weight of expectation and probably won’t get any hits. I could literally call you anything right now and you would never know it, would you, you feather dustered nonce?
Ah! The inevitable “Who is going to make a surprise appearance at Glastonbury?” game has started. I’m banking on New Edition myself. #NE4Life
Zayn Malik‘s label boss has claimed that Malik‘s new album will be more optimistic in tone than his last. I am going to hazard a guess that this is because he instructed him to give it a more optimistic tone.
I’m trying not to have a pop at the Gallagher brothers on my first trip back – but, Goddamn, they’re both such massive arseholes. It’s really hard.